Motherhood started at an early age for me but that only means I can Love them a little longer!

  On the morning of January 7^th, 2013 I woke up thinking I peed myself and didn’t realize my life would change forever. I remember waking up and our house was freezing because the heater broke and we had just moved in! I walked to the bathroom jumped in the shower and put on a fresh pair of pajamas. I went back to our room and laid back down to sleep when I felt my pants get wet again. I jumped out of bed and went and shower and changed once more and when I was finished, I attempted to lay back down once more. I cuddled under the blankets and closed my eyes when I feel the same thing happen once more! At this point I woke up Angelo to tell him I didn’t know whats going on I keep peeing on myself and half asleep he looks at me and says, “eww your nasty!”. I remember feeling so embarrassed and said, “gee thanks!” I got out of bed and this time the bed was wet! Finally, it hit me I held my belly and to myself said “Can it be my water? Oh my god Is the baby coming?” I go downstairs and call my midwife who confirms that it was my water leaking!! I go back upstairs and tell Angelo “come on we have to go to the hospital the baby is coming”. Angelo jumps up “what what the baby is coming.” He goes and wakes up his mom and lets her know what is going on. I called my mom, grandma, sister! you know first baby I was nervous, scared, excited, emotional and so much more. The car drive to the hospital I didn’t say a word. We finally make it to Fairview, and we walk up to labor and delivery within minutes the waiting room is filling up with family.  They come in and check and sure enough it was my water but at this point it is now 9ish and I am in no kind of pain just leaking water. So the OB on call tells me that because I wasn’t feeling any kind of pain they have to induce my labor by giving me Pitocin .At this point I was relaxed just walking around and agreed to getting induced and was moved over to the room where I would have our baby boy ! Pitocin was started by IV and within an hour I was feeling those contractions come so strong. I remember going into the hospital saying I was not getting the epidural and the nurse told me to sign the papers just in case I changed my mind. They gave me pain medicine in my IV to help with the pain I was in. They got me out of bed and had me rocking in a rocking chair, bouncing on a ball, in a hot shower all while I cried in pain. At this point I’m going to say it was like 3ish and I gave in and asked for the epidural they kicked everyone out being that the waiting room was so full people that just kept coming in and out (yes it was stressful!)  so, they could give me it. Finally, it was in and I started feeling it right away. I asked the nurse if she could get Angelo for me and she said of course. When he walks in why he was holding a box of food and sits right next to me and pulls out the biggest burger and starts to eat! Yes, I was so upset because I couldn’t eat and here, he was eating away. Things got a little out of hand in the waiting room and Angelo requested no one be let back in so I could sleep a little. Holding on to the back of the bed on my knees I was able to fall asleep for a while. Now the middle of the night yes, I said the middle of the night still no baby and I was at 2cm yes 2cm! I was so tired so exhausted and I just wanted him out of me. They checked and noticed that my water didn’t fully break now 1am and they popped what was left of my water. Few hours go by and they check, and I was 5cm I was going crazy at this point the babies heart rate was going down and they had to give me oxygen to help him. Here it is morning time and still no baby I was frustrated and told them to please cut him out I needed him out. At this point the epidural somehow moved and I start to feel pain I clearly remember grabbing Angelo by the shirt and telling him I want him out now and I’m going to start pushing and I don’t care. He was like angelica do not push I’ll get the nurse, but I started pushing.

       Finally, it was time to push I was at 10cm and baby was coming. I started to push and with every push I felt weaker and weaker. I felt like I couldn’t do it. I was so exhausted my body just didn’t have the strength to do what it had to. After an hour of pushing he was finally out. The cord was wrapped around his neck a couple times they unwrapped it and laid him on my chest. But a mother’s biggest fear happened to me my baby boy didn’t CRY! I looked at him he was all purple not moving not breathing just laying on me. I was a first time mom but I knew this wasn’t normal at all I asked the nurse “ what is wrong with my baby ?” she looks at him she shakes him a little she looks at him again she shakes him again this time even harder . The look on her face is a look I will never forget she grabbed him off me so fast and started to yell code pink code pink hurry code pink!!!! I freaked out big time and stared yelling “what is wrong with him? why isn’t he crying? Someone please!” No one wanted to tell me anything room filled up with doctor so fast and I was laying on the bed still getting worked on with tears pouring down. So many different feelings but being super scared was a big one! I remember thinking “is he dead? When will he cry? God please you can’t take him from me when you just gave me him! God please.” I look up and Angelo is trying to hide so I don’t see him cry at that moment I knew something wasn’t right!  I just kept asking god to please please let me hear his cry. Finally, after what felt like a lifetime, I heard him cry and tears of happiness of joy just poured down my face. He was ok! He was alive! He finally cried! I took one look at him and was so in love!  we named him Angelo Torres Jr.

    Today my little Aj is 7 years old and in the 1^st grade. My little Aj’s life did not start off so easy he had to be resuscitated a couple times when he was born. But he was born a fighter he fought, and he is alive here with us 7 years later. Due to the complication at birth he had and still has breathing issues. As a baby we were always in and out the ER with him. But dispute all that happened to him and everything they have diagnosed him with he keeps fighting! My little Aj is the smartest, outgoing, loudest, funniest, talkative little boy I have laid eyes on. Aj gave me the best name anyone could ever call me. Aj made me a mother and showed me what motherhood is. No matter what kind of day he is having he always has the biggest smile on his face. I love his smile he smiles with his eyes! Not a day goes by that I don’t thank god for him because without that little boy I wouldn’t be who I am and where I am today. My Aj drives me crazy and at times makes me want to pull my hair out but what matter’s the most to me is that he is HERE, and he is MINE!   

                                                                         Thanks for reading with love Angelica ❤

      After carefully thinking about what my first blog would be. I came to the conclusion that I wanted my first one to be about “The Loss of a Loved One “! This is something that everyone experiences in life one or more times! But not every loss is the same and don’t get me wrong yes it hurts when a loved one dies no matter how close you are! But today I will talk about a loss that hit me hard! As a little girl I didn’t have my biological father at all in my life. I lived with my grandparents but for as long as I can remember I called my uncle PAPI CHICHA! I can’t remember or recall ever calling him tio ever because to me he was my dad. Everywhere we went he introduced me as his oldest daughter, and I was so proud and happy to be just that. If I ever needed anything, he was a call away, If I ever needed to talk, he was a call away. For whatever I needed he was always right by myside. He was and will always be my Papi forever and always.

       On august 20^th 2017 my world came to an end and will never be the same. On that day I lost one of the men who showed me the love of a father! The man who showed me how a woman is to be treated, the one who never judge me or gave me his back! I remember very clearly that car ride to the hospital that heaviness in my chest, knot in my throat and a million-emotion circling me. I remember walking in the hospital so scared, so nervous, so anxious with tears in my eyes! I got out the elevator and when I took the right turn and laid eyes on my grandma (my mama) I lost it! To watching my mama’s world come tumbling down, to watch her heart get ripped out her chest. I couldn’t hold it together, but I dried my tears I took a deep breath and I pressed the button to get let into the ICU. I remember feeling like it got harder to breath as I got closer to his room, but I took a deep breath in and I walked in. To see him so helpless just laying in that hospital bed hooked up to all those machines killed me! I grabbed his hand and I told him “papi papi please please woke up! Just open your eyes please you have done it before come on papi !” tears pouring down my face I told him “ you can’t leave you can’t papi because you promised you were going to walk me down the aisle on my wedding is just days away and I cant do it without you !” . I know selfish of me to tell him all this when he was laying on the bed suffering! I walked out and my knees gave out my aunt tata caught me, and I cried so hard on her all I kept saying was “WHY WHY WHY HIM?” I seat in that hallway crying with my family for hours. my kids getting restless and running around because they had no idea what was even going on. After being at the hospital all day I had to go home and give the kids food change them and let them get comfy. I got home and took a seat at my dinning room table my husband came and hugged me and said, “everything will be ok!” I looked at him and said, “no not this time this time he isn’t going to come back to us and I know that deep in my heart”! As those words finished coming out my mouth my phone rings my heart dropped, I knew I knew exactly what that call was. it was my sister to let me know that MY PAPI passed away! I could hear my grandma screaming in the background I dropped the phone and I broke down. I didn’t know what to feel or how to feel I lost my papi he was gone forever, and I didn’t want it to be true. He passed away Sunday and my wedding day was the follow weekend! How how do I prepare for my wedding and his funeral how? I was broken and it all felt so unreal. Thursday came around and it was the day that I didn’t want to come I wasn’t ready to see him laying in a coffin lifeless. I didn’t know how to feel when I saw him, I wanted to scream I wanted to shake him awake! but it was all impossible he was gone, and he wasn’t coming back. Friday morning, I got dressed crying because I had to say goodbye to his body forever! watching that coffin close killed me it broke my heart in a way I never imagine my heart would break. standing at the cemetery I told my aunt “I cant get married without him he was supposed to walk me down to Angelo now what now what I’m I going to do “  at that exact moment an orange butterfly landed on me and I felt him with me like that was his way of telling me I wasn’t alone he will always be with me . I got married with a picture of him with me. I walked down the aisle with him! The day he passed away I lost a part of me forever! A piece of my heart was ripped apart and it will never be put together. Couple years have gone by and I would lie if I said it don’t still hurt has bad as it did the day he passed. Some days the hurt is stronger but every day I hurt. I find myself randomly crying still. I talk to him every day I go visit him and cry to him. I wish I could take back time and do more I wish I could tell him how much I love him! I wish I could take back time and do a lot more to help him. I wish I could take back time and take him to live with me when he wanted to! but I know deep down in my heart that he is with me and he knows how much I love him.

I will miss him till the day I take my last breath !

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